The Lord is my Pacesetter, I will not rush. He makes me stop and rest for quiet intervals. He provides me with images of stillness, which restores my serenity. He leads me in ways of efficiency, through calmness of mind. And His guidance is peace. Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day, I will not fret. For His presence is here; His timeliness, His all importance will keep me in balance. He prepares refreshment and renewal for me in the midst of activity. By anointing my mind with His oil of tranquility, my cup of joyous energy overflows. Surely harmony and effectiveness shall be the fruits of my hours, For I shall walk in the pace of my Lord forever.
Judge Arnulfo Uy Kimpang Nietes, Sr.
25 August 1934-22 April 2009
A month ago today I arrived in Manila from Bangkok and then flew on to IloiloCity where my Dad was confined at a hospital in IloiloCity. I dare not mention the hospital’s name lest it will give them free publicity. They don’t deserve any. Our domestic flight was delayed for one hour, further lengthening the waiting time to reach the hospital, and shortening the time I had to spend with my Dad. My older sister also traveled down from BaguioCity and we just met at the airport in Manila.
When we arrived in Iloilo we went first to the SM Travel Lounge to leave our luggage there, then we took a taxi to that hospital. My Dad had been at the ICU since the previous day, barely two days after his emergency surgery. My older sis’ mother-in-law (Mama H) who accompanied my parents to the hospital met us at the hospital entrance. My Mom was waiting at the tiny nook beside the ICU provided for relatives. It was narrower than a passageway and it was disheartening to see it. To be there on benches with the concern and worry about your loved one does not go well with the charity and love the hospital administration advocates to the outside world. When my Mom saw us I could see how relieved she felt yet also sad and worried. She hugged us so tightly and we could just cry. We could not speak. No words could express what we felt that time. I also did not understand yet the severity of the situation and my Dad’s condition. I guess I never would.
We silently went to the ICU and I could not explain how I felt then. He had tubes all over and yet he was awake, conscious, moving his right arm, and trying to speak. But the tubes prevented that. I was shocked to see my Dad in that situation. To us our Dad was indestructible, our hero, our protector. We thought he would always be there, lending support, teaching, mentoring. Providing comfort and shelter to us when we go home, and the stability of home when we are away. Giving insights to our confusions and answers to our questions. When we were at home, we always felt protected when he was there with us, and felt scared when he was away on a trip. Seeing him there in the ICU bed made me speechless. My mind just stopped. What should I do? What should I say?
We hugged and kissed him, and started talking to him. I held his arm, hand, and stroked his forehead. And spoke to him, prayed for him, quoted bible verses to him to assure him of God’s love and salvation, which he already knew as we always spoke and wrote to him about these. We (Mom, sister and I) also assured him that everyone would be coming home, and mentioned each one of our names (children). Sometimes my voice got stuck in my throat. I was at a loss for words. I was not prepared for this but I had to be strong. That was what he would have wanted us to do. To be strong. He would always remind me that in the face of difficult situations, to be strong and to keep going. I am sure he himself was trying to do that. I remember him telling us that time when he visited a relative much younger than him who was struggling for his life in the hospital. He told him to keep going, to fight for his life, to be strong. And that person did survive, up to this day. I willed for my Dad to do the same, despite his nearly 75 year old body.
Then the ICU doctor called us after a while informing us that my Dad’s attending physician wanted to see us when we arrived. So we said goodbye to our Dad telling him we would be back. How I wished I stayed on. If I only knew my Dad would pass away a few hours later I would have spent more time with him than chit-chatting with the doctor. Talking with the doctor gave us hope that my Dad would survive. But he did say that due to my Dad’s health condition and old age that his body might not be strong enough, yet they would do their best. Maybe I was clutching at straws and looking at the brighter side that I was not able to read between the lines of what the doctor was saying. He was probably saying that my Dad might not survive but they would still do what they could to the best of their ability (according to him) just in case he did.
It was early evening and since my Mom and Mama H did not have any lunchyet, we went to have an early dinner. It seemed during the days they were there they did not have regular meals. The hospital system prevented them from doing that with all the errands and running around which was supposed to be done by their medical staff. We also checked out various accommodation alternatives near the hospital. It took us quite some time and when my Mom checked the time, the visiting hours at ICU was nearly finished. So she and my sister rushed to go back while Mama H and I went on to check the digs. By the time we went back to the hospital, the atmosphere was so grim. We were told to stand by for medicines and blood transfusion. I had to call friends especially a doctor friend in another hospital to ask about the process for obtaining blood in case it was needed, as the blood bank did not have any more. The Red Cross as well would not give as we did not have any donor. How can we look for donors in emergencies like these? Was there still time? Why could they not give their reserve and we could replace it later? ICU staff then told us there is no need for it now.
My Dad had two cardiac arrests that night. After the second cardiac arrest he did not respond anymore to efforts to revive him.
When we went in to the ICU to stand by his side, it was so quiet. I wanted to cry but I did not want him to hear me cry as he might be worried and sad. So instead we prayed, talked to him and held on to him. To remind him that we love him and always will, and to thank him for being a super Dad for us. We wanted him to know that he had not failed us but that he had done all his best for us, and that he could think of good thoughts and feel good about being our Dad. And by hearing our prayers and the bible verses, he would think of the Lord our Creator, and he would call on the name of the Jesus Christ as His Savior and God. He has taught us to always trust in the Lord and I am sure he did that even during his last hours. As we were there talking, praying and comforting him, we did not even notice that his heart had already stopped. Until the ICU doctor informed us. Again I did not know exactly what to do. I looked up at the wall clock and it showed 7:45 pm. He passed on to the next life minutes before that.
Then reality struck. My Dad was gone! Just like that. Oh, it was so painful to think about it then, even now. And we know that the rest of our lives we would always be thinking of our Dad. He was so looking forward to our visits in April-June, as one by one we planned to go home. Not at the same time but with overlaps so there would be at least one of us with them. My sister and her kids were just with them during the holy week and left a week ago. Then another sister and her family were scheduled to arrive that week, then I was supposed to arrive more than a week later. A couple more sisters a week after that. And my parents knew our schedule. When I last talked to him a few days before that emergency he was so happy and looking forward to our visits. And then this happened.
We were also planning for a party for him in August 2009 for his 75th birthday, although he said not to have a party for him as it would just cost money. When I said goodbye to him during my last visit in January, he cried and told me that I would leave them again. I assured him that we would come back in August for his 75th birthday. I was trying to hold back my tears then to show him I was strong and brave. I am crying now thinking of that moment. How I wish I could have stayed longer. I did try to find job opportunities and consultancies that would make me stay there for longer periods but until this time there had been none. So I had to contend with sending text messages to my parents many times a day and calling them as often as I could.
One month has passed since my Dad was reunited with the Lord. One month that flew so fast it seemed things just happened yesterday. People say life goes on. Yes, that’s true. They say we have to move on. Yes, that’s also true. We also tell ourselves that. We also comfort ourselves with the fact that my Dad is now at rest, at peace with the Lord, without any pain from his sickness, free from the troubles of this world, and enjoying the wonderful presence of our God Almighty. And that as God has promised that we would be reunited with loved ones in the future, this gives us hope.
... So we can cry with hope. We can say goodbye with hope, 'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end ... And we can grieve with hope, 'Cause we believe with hope. There's a place by God's grace, There's a place where we'll see your face ... again. So we can cry with hope, we say goodbye with hope, we wait with hope, and we wake with hope. we hold on with hope, we let go with hope ... (With Hope, Steven Curtis Chapman)
“My soul finds rest in God alone; My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I shall never be shaken.” – Psalm 61:1-2
Last Sunday we had a wonderful servant of the Lord who spoke God's message from his heart. He was a former refugee. Now he is living a life God has given him. He said when they (he & his family) went to their new country they had nothing but the clothes on their backs. And he added that that was how good God was to them back then; He still is. He even said that during the conflict in their old country, with nothing to eat, God still provided for them through the waste food that his Mom would bring back from her dishwashing work in one of the camp kitchens.
He used the verses from John 20:24-29 as the reference for this Sunday. What struck me was that the apostles were hiding in fear, and yet when Jesus appeared to them He gave them PEACE. The peace that goes beyond understanding. I have felt that many times when I call on the name of the Lord. And we were encouraged again last Sunday that His peace is really something that we can have anytime, anywhere, coz of Jesus' presence with us.
Another thing that was mentioned was that the Lord went straight to the person who needed Him most, i.e. Thomas who was in doubt. He went straight to the person who was hurting - Thomas needed Him; he needed to hear Jesus' voice. And when he finally met Jesus, he personally declared Him as his Lord and his God. May we also do the same.
I love Jesus and His love and care. In v29 Jesus comforted Thomas but He also rebuked him. But He still loves him. He still loves us and He reaches out to any one who doubts, but desires to know. And what a great encouragement to us who have not seen Him and yet believe. We are blessed; we should continue to believe.
Doubting Thomas went on to be a great church planter! We who believe are God's walking miracles. He works in us day by day. May His workings be evident in my life.
There are comfort food, comfort shoes, comfort rooms, comfort whatever. We all need them at one point in our lives. Right now for me, I am listening to my comfort music. I have quite a few of them in my PC which I play whenever I do not want to listen to people around me, or I just don’t want to be disturbed unnecessarily. With my ears plugged to the music, I can be on a beach floating on a raft under a blue cloudless sky reading a nice book … Unless my boss comes in, of course!
I am used to working and reading despite the sounds/noises around me. But sometimes the noise gets too much so I’d better turn to pleasant noise! Especially when two people on the left and right side of my desk stand and talk above my head (literally)! As if I am just a tree between two fences, or maybe I am the fence? That is way beyond what is normal, and so disrespectful. As I am writing this piece the voice of Yeng Constantino singing Hawak Kamay is blasting in my ear. Oh … so comforting, so uplifting, so relaxing. I’ve played it twice already and now I am playing it again. I never get tired of hearing her voice and the melody of this song. I think it reminds me of home and happy times with my family. I first heard it last year in April 2007 when I visited home. And so somehow I associate this song with happy times. And when I am feeling a bit hassled in the office, I just turn to it. I also have a set of gospel/ inspirational music, and songs from my yesteryears … a compilation of songs we used to sing way back in high school.
Listening to these songs comforts me and makes me feel a bit better and more upbeat towards life. And at 9:30 am, the day is still long and it is good not to be downhearted early in the morning, with still so many things to face as time moves on.
